The Marauders Reading Sessions
by Gilderoy-Hater
Summary: Dismayed that Xenophiliua Lovegood has stopped selling LSD, Sirius Black watches Dumbledore ride a tricycle while balancing Lily Evans on his head. Oh, and they've found books from the future.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Reading one too many "read the books" MST-fics has broken me. This is my therapy._

_I don't own the Philisopher's Stone. This pointless disclaimer is with the hope this won't be deleted if i add it._

It was a typical day in the Gryffindor common room. Remus was listening to Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds by the Beatles while reading. Peter came in carrying a copy of the Quibbler.

"Remus, did you know that song is about Lucifer?" Peter asked.

"What?" Remus asked in confusion.

"Yeah. The line 'sun in her eyes' means Satan. By the way, did you know the New World Order will be launched in the 1980s?"

Remus looked up his book. "That nonsense, Peter."

"No it isn't. The Quibbler said so."

"Peter, the Quibbler is run by that Ravenclaw dropout that sells LSD to Sirius."

Peter's face went red. "That doesn't mean he can't be a genius."

James entered the room with a smirk on his face.

"Dammit to hell, it's James," Peter said in disappointment, "now he'll talk about himself in his narcissism and ignorance."

"You know, I really am perfect," James said to nobody as he looked in the mirror, "I'm talented, popular, smart, good-looking, and girls who aren't Lily Evans want me."

James made some foolish poses before turning and seeing other people existed. "How are you Remus?"

"He's in denial about the Illuminist influences in our society," Peter answered, giving Remus a look of contempt.

James sighed. "Peter, stop reading the Quibbler, it's not good for you."

"But we have to be prepared," Peter cried.

Sirius slammed open the door in rage, breaking a chandelier on accident. "THAT FUCKING FUCKER QUIT SELLING LSD!"

"Good," Remus said as he turned a page of his book, "it was destroying you anyway."

"Remus, LSD is my art. Now I'll have to do something collect flying motorcycles."

Suddenly a portal came from nowhere and sucked them into the Room of Requirement. They then saw Dumbledore riding a tricycle while balancing a reluctant Lily Evans on top of his head.

"Guess fucking what?" Dumbledore asked.

"The grain cartels are after Hogwarts?!" Peter cried in terror.

"What? No. I just brought you here to tell you that I found some books called Harry Potter from the fucking future and all of us are in it," Dumbledore explained, "so now we're going to read them while making poorly thought-out snarky comments for no apparent reason!"

"How can a book come from the future?" Remus asked.

"Don't ask me. Oh, by the way, Remus, I didn't read all of the books and I looked ahead at certain parts. I don't know the whole story, but you wind up with a young trophy wife, so you must have been rich, because you were fucking middle-aged."

"Was I in the book? Sirius asked.

"Oh, I didn't bother to look you, because we all know you'll just trip LSD until you die before your twenty."

Sirius shrugged. "Fair enough."

"What about me?" Lily asked.

"Oh, yeah, there was something about you. Your eyes keep getting mentioned. Maybe you were a showgirl. Anyway let's read fucking chapter one of...Harry Potter and the Philisopher's Stone."

"The only philosophy I need is LSD," Sirius said.

"Yeah, whatever. Let's fucking read."

"**Chapter One: The Boy-Who-Lived.**"

"Where did he live?" Sirius asked.

"I haven't fucking read it yet, so how the fuck would I know?" Dumbledore asked, "seriously, Sirius, fucking take this seriously."

**Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number four, Private Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, than you very much.**

Sirius frowned. "Ugh, I don't like normal people. They need some LSD."

**They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense.****  
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"They must not realize that secret societies run the world," Peter said.

"**Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, which made drills."**

"What's a drill?" James asked.

"It means 'that's the drill,'" Dumbledore answered, "Mr. Dursley must be a filmmaker of some sort."

"I don't think that's the correct usage in this scenario," Lily observed.

"Lily, I'm the greatest wizard in history. Don't act it's possible for me not to know something. I'm too fucking perfect."

**He was a big, beefy man with hardly any neck, although he did have a very large moustache.**

"Sounds like my father," Dumbledore mused thoughtfully.

**Mrs. Dursley was thin and blonde and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck, which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time craning over garden fences, spying on the neighbours**

"She must be checking to see if her neighbours have LSD," Sirius commented.

**The Dursleys had a small son called Dudley and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere. **The Dursleys had everything they wanted, but they also had a secret, and their greatest fear was that somebody would discover it.****

""Probably that they use LSD," Sirius guessed.

**They didn't think they could bear it if anyone found out about the Potters.**

James, who hadn't been paying much attention because it wasn't about him, sat up straight. "What about us?"

Sirius shrugged. "Maybe your parents sell the Dursley's LSD."

"I don't think so, Padfoot."

**Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister, but they hadn't met for several years; in fact, Mrs. Dursley pretended she didn't have a sister****,because her sister and her good-for-nothing husband were as unDursleyish as it was possible to be.**

"I don't think she likes your family, James."

**The Dursleys shuddered to think what the neighbours would say if the Potters arrived in the street.**

"That would be horrible," Lily agreed.

**The Dursleys knew that the Potters had a small son, too, but they had never even seen him. This boy was another good reason for keeping the Potters away; they didn't want Dudley mixing with a child like that.**

"I don't know of any relatives of mine with infant sons," James said.

Dumbledore rolled his eyes."It's in the _fucking future_!"

**When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up on the dull, gray Tuesday our story starts, ****there was nothing about the cloudy sky outside to suggest that strange and mysterious things would soon be happening all over the country. Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work,** **and Mrs. Dursley gossiped away happily ****as she wrestled a screaming Dudley into his high chair.**

"She's wrestling an infant?" Lily asked in shock, "that's child abuse."

"She must be on LSD," Sirius suggested.

**None of them noticed a large, tawny owl flutter past the window.**

"That must be a letter for them," Remus guessed.

"Maybe it's a package containing LSD," Sirius suggested.

**At half past eight, ****Mr. Dursley picked up his briefcase, **pecked Mrs. Dursley on the cheek,****

"He's beating his wife too?" Peter asked, "maybe he's an Illumanist."

"Maybe he's on LSD," Sirius said.

**and tried to kiss Dudley good-bye but missed, **because Dudley was now having a tantrum and throwing his cereal at the walls.****

"Horrible brat," Dumbledore said.

"**Little tyke," chortled Mr. Dursley ****as he left the house. He got into his car and backed out of number four's drive.**

"Did he just call his wife a-" James began.

"HE SAID _TYKE_!" Lily roared.

"Oh."

**It was on the corner of the street that he noticed the first sign of something peculiar — a cat reading a map.**

"So, Minerva's spying on them. That's means I am," Dumbledore said.

**For a second, Mr. Dursley didn't realize what he had seen — then he jerked his head around to look again. There was a tabby cat standing on the corner of Privet Drive, but there wasn't a map in sight. What could he have been thinking of?**

"I think he should run while he can," Remus said.

**It must have been a trick of the light. Mr. Dursley blinked and stared at the cat. It stared back.**

"Minerva's such a creeper," Dumbledore shivered, "I only hired here so she would spy on other people instead of me."

**As Mr. Dursley drove around the corner and up the road, he watched the cat in his mirror. It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive — no, **_**looking **_**at the sign; cats couldn't read maps **_**or **_**signs.**

"They do when they've had LSD," Sirius claimed.

"Seriously, Sirius, you need to stop talking about fucking LSD," Dumbledore said.

**Mr. Dursley gave himself a little shake and put the cat out of his mind. As he drove toward town he thought of nothing except a large order of drills he was hoping to get that day.**

"He must be working on several films at once," Dumbledore said.

"When will I be in this story!" James asked.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Typical. Your such a narcissist, Potter, I surprised you haven't tried to kill yourself over a bad hair day.

"I have. Moony and Padfoot stopped me."

**But on the edge of town, drills were driven out of his mind by something else. As he sat in the usual morning traffic jam, **he couldn't help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of strangely dressed people about. People in cloaks.****

"That's not strange," Sirius said, "I see that everywhere. When I'm tripping, however, _that _is strange."

"He's a Muggle" Lily reminded him.

**Mr. Dursley couldn't bear people who dressed in funny clothes — the getups you saw on young people! He supposed this was some stupid new fashion. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and his eyes fell on a huddle of these weirdos standing quite close by. They were whispering excitedly together. **Mr. Dursley was enraged to see that a couple of them weren't young at all; why, that man had to be older than he was, and wearing an emerald-green cloak! The nerve of him!****

"So what?" Dumbledore asked, "I always dress that fucking way."

"Aren't they Muggles?" Remus asked.

"Quiet, werewolf, you'll ruin the story."

**But then it struck Mr. Dursley **that this was probably some silly stunt —these people were obviously collecting for something… yes, that would be it.****

"Maybe their raising money to buy-" Sirius began.

Dumbledore clapped his hands and a lightning storm broke through the Room of Requirement. "I told you to stop talking about fucking LSD."

**The traffic moved on and a few minutes later, Mr. Dursley arrived in the Grunnings parking lot, his mind back on drills. ******Mr. Dursley always sat with his back to the window in his office on the ninth floor. If he hadn't, he might have found it harder to concentrate on drills that morning. **_**He **_**didn't see the owls swooping past in broad daylight, though people down in the street did; they pointed and gazed open-mouthed as owl after owl sped overhead. Most of them had never seen an owl even at night time.****

"It's must be the NWO spying on the Muggles," Peter said.

**Mr. Dursley, however, had a perfectly normal, owl-free morning. He yelled at five different people. He made several important telephone calls and shouted a bit more.**

"What a nice man," Remus deadpanned.

Dumbledore chucked. "great fucking snark, Remus. Ten points to Remus!"

Ten diamonds fell into a glass beneath a emblazoned picture of Remus. There were four other glasses as well.

"When did we start getting points as individuals?" Lily asked in confusion.

"Don't ask me," Dumbledore said, "these read-the-book' fics never make much sense."

**He was in a very good mood until lunchtime, when he thought he'd stretch his legs and walk across the road **to buy himself a bun from the bakers opposite.****

"I'm surprised he wasn't so lazy as to order from his office instead," Sirius said.

Dumbledore was shocked. "Sirius, you went a whole sentence without mentioning LSD!"

Sirius was dumbfounded. "I did?"

**He'd forgotten all about the people in cloaks until he passed a group of them next to the baker's. He eyed them angrily as he passed. He didn't know why, but they made him uneasy. This lot were whispering excitedly, too, and he couldn't see a single collecting tin. It was on his way back past them, clutching a large doughnut in a bag, that he caught a few words of what they were saying.**"**The Potters, that's right, that's what I heard –"** " — **yes, their son, Harry – "**

"I don't have a cousin named Harry!" James cried.

"IT'S-IN-THE-FUCKING-FUTURE!" Lily cried in irritation.

"Oh, yeah," James remembered, "I forgot because I was thinking about myself."

**Mr. Dursley stopped dead.**

"Well, that's one way to get rid of a character," Peter said.

**Fear flooded him. He looked back at the whisperers as if he wanted to say something to them, but thought better of it. ****He dashed back across the road, hurried up to his office, snapped at his secretary not to disturb him, seized his telephone, and had almost finished dialing his home number when he changed his mind. He put the receiver back down and stroked his moustache, thinking… no, he was being stupid.**

**Potter wasn't such an unusual name. He was sure there were lots of people called Potter who had a son called Harry.**

"None that I know," James muttered.

"Wow, always about you! Have you ever considered there are other people in this world named Potter who don't share your ugly arse!"

James was stunned by Lily's comment. "You don't like it? I've been polishing it just for you."

Lily buried her head in her hands. "Somebody read quickly!"

**Come to think of it, he wasn't even sure his nephew **_**was **_**called Harry. He'd never even seen the boy. It might have been Harvey. Or Harold. **There was no point in worrying Mrs. Dursley; she always got so upset at any mention of her sister. He didn't blame her — if **_**he'd **_**had a sister like that…****

"Like what?" Sirius asked pointlessly because they knew no more than him.

**But all the same, those people in cloaks…**

****He found it a lot harder to concentrate on drills that afternoon and when he left the building at five o'clock, he was still so worried that he walked straight into someone just outside the door.****

"That's manslaughter," James joked.

"What a weak joke, Potter," Lily said.

"**Sorry," ****he grunted, as the tiny old man stumbled and almost fell.**

"Is that Flitwick?" asked Peter.

"Oh, sure, it _must_ be Flitwick because he's _short_," Dumbledore said angrily, "I'll have you know Flitwick has three ex-wives, a metal minivan and a addiction to painkillers. But no, you just call him _tiny_ like that's all there fucking is to you! You should feel ashamed!"

**It was a few seconds before Mr. Dursley realized that the man was wearing a violet cloak.**

"Oh, that's probably Flitwick, actually," Dumbledore said.

**He didn't seem at all upset at being almost knocked to the ground. On the contrary, his face split into a wide smile and he said in a squeaky voice that made passersby stare, "Don't be sorry, my dear sir, for nothing could upset me today! Rejoice, for You-Know-Who has gone at last!**

"He's gone?" Dumbledore asked, "then what the hell will I do in my spare time? Minerva always beats me in wizards chess!"

**Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating, this happy, happy day!" **And the old man hugged Mr. Dursley around the middle and walked off.****

"Flitwick must have been seriously tripping," Sirius said.

"I'm sick of your interruptions, mutt," Dumbledore said.

Sirius was shocked. "How did you know about that?"

"Fucking powers," Dumbledore answered vaguely.

**Mr. Dursley stood rooted to the spot. He had been hugged by a complete stranger. He also thought he had been called a Muggle, whatever that was. ****He was rattled. He hurried to his car and set off for home, hoping he was imagining things, which he had never hoped before, because he didn't approve of imagination.**

****As he pulled into the driveway of number four, the first thing he saw—and it didn't improve his mood — was the tabby cat he'd spotted that morning.****

"Wow, Minerva really is stalking them," Dumbledore said.

**It was now sitting on his garden wall. He was sure it was the same one; it had the same markings around its eyes. **"**Shoo!" said Mr. Dursley loudly.**

****The cat didn't move. It just gave him a stern look.****

"Maybe she's on LSD," Sirius suggested.

"Sirius, is there anything that _isn't_ connected to LSD?" Lily asked.

Sirius pondered. "No, not that I know of."

**Was this normal cat behavior? **Mr. Dursley wondered. Trying to pull himself together, he let himself into the house. He was still determined not to mention anything to his wife.****

**Mrs. Dursley had had a nice, normal day. She told him over dinner all about Mrs. Next Door's ****problems with her daughter,**

"I bet it's about LSD," Sirius said.

**and how Dudley had learned a new word ("Won't!"). **Mr. Dursley tried to act normally. When Dudley had been put to bed, he went into the living room in time to catch the last report on the evening news: **"_**And finally, bird-watchers everywhere have reported that the nation's owls have been behaving very unusually today. Although owls normally hunt at night and are hardly ever seen in daylight, there have been hundreds of sightings of these birds flying in every direction since sunrise. Experts are unable to explain why the owls have suddenly changed their sleeping pattern."**_** The newscaster allowed himself a grin.****

"He must be on LSD," Sirius said.

_**Most mysterious. And now, over to Jim McGuffin with the weather. Going to be any more showers of owls tonight, Jim?" **_"_**Well, Ted,"_**said the weatherman, "I don't know about that, but it's not only the owls that have been acting oddly today. Viewers as far apart as Kent, Yorkshire, and Dundee have been phoning in to tell me that instead of the rain I promised yesterday, they've had a downpour of shooting stars! Perhaps people have been celebrating Bonfire Night early — it's not until next week, folks! But I can promise a wet night tonight." **_**Mr. Dursley sat frozen in his armchair. Shooting stars all over Britain? Owls flying by daylight? Mysterious people in cloaks all over the place? And a whisper, a whisper about the** Potters…**_

"He's run into a LSD ring," Sirius claimed.

"I doubt it," Remus said.

"Potter's just being a arse to them for no reason," Lily said.

**Mrs. Dursley came into the living room carrying two cups of tea. It was no good. **He'd have to say something to her. He cleared his throat nervously. "Er — Petunia, dear — you haven't heard from your sister lately, have you?"****

****As he had expected, Mrs. Dursley looked shocked and angry. After all, they normally pretended she didn't have a sister.****

_Petunia?_ Lily wondered who this woman was.

**No," she said sharply. "Why?" **"**Funny stuff on the news," Mr. Dursley mumbled. "Owls… shooting stars… and there were a lot of funny-looking people in town today…" **"_**So?**_**" snapped Mrs. Dursley. **"**Well, I just thought… maybe… it was something to do with… you know… **_**her **_**crowd."**

"What crowd?" Peter asked.

"Potter's!" Lily answered.

**Mrs. Dursley sipped her tea through pursed lips. Mr. Dursley wondered whether he dared tell her he'd heard the name "Potter." He decided he didn't dare. Instead he said, as casually as he could, "Their son — he'd be about Dudley's age now, wouldn't he?" **"**I suppose so," said Mrs. Dursley stiffly. **"**What's his name again? Howard, isn't it?"**

**"**Harry. Nasty, common name, if you ask me."****

"I think James is a worse one," Lily said.

**"Oh, yes," said Mr. Dursley, his heart sinking horribly. "Yes, I quite agree." He didn't say another word on the subject as they went upstairs to bed.**

****While Mrs. Dursley was in the bathroom, Mr. Dursley crept ****to the bedroom window and peered down into the front garden. The cat was still there.****

"McGonagall seriously needs to mind her own business," Peter said.

**It was staring down Privet Drive as though it were waiting for something.**

Peter gasped. "It's the night the Illumanists implement their global agenda!"

**Was he imagining things? **Could all this have anything to do with the Potters? If it did… if it got out that they were related to a pair of — well, he didn't think he could bear it.****

"Neither could I," Lily said.

**The Dursleys got into bed. ****Mrs. Dursley fell asleep quickly but Mr. Dursley lay awake,**

**turning it all over in his mind. His last, comforting thought before he fell asleep was that even if the Potters **_**were **_**involved, there was no reason for them to come near him and Mrs. Dursley. The Potters knew very well what he and Petunia thought about them and their kind… He couldn't see how he and Petunia could get mixed up in anything that might be going on — he yawned and turned over — it couldn't affect **_**them**_**…**

**How very wrong he was.**

"That means it will effect them!" James cried.

"No, Potter, it means their buying a hot tub," Lily snarked, winning her ten points of her own.

James was confused. "Really?"

"NO NOT REALLY! HOW THICK ARE YOU?!"

****Mr. Dursley might have been drifting into an uneasy sleep, but the cat on the wall outside was showing no sign of sleepiness. **It was sitting as still as a statue, its eyes fixed unblinkingly on the far corner of Privet Drive. It didn't so much as quiver when a car door slammed on the next street, nor when two owls swooped overhead. In fact, it was nearly midnight before the cat moved at all.**

Dumbledore frowned. "I hope Minerva isn't plotting an assassination. That would require me to file so much Ministry paperwork."

**A man appeared on the corner the cat had been watching, appeared so suddenly and silently you'd have thought he'd just popped out of the ground. The cat's tail twitched and its eyes narrowed.**

****Nothing like this man had ever been seen on Privet Drive. He was tall, thin, and very old, judging by the silver of his hair and beard, which were both long enough to tuck into his belt. ****He was wearing long robes, a purple cloak that swept the ground, and high-heeled, buckled boots. His blue eyes were light, bright, and sparkling behind half-moon spectacles and his nose was very long and crooked, as though it had been broken at least twice. This man's name was Albus Dumbledore.****

"Are you and Professor McGonagall going to have a battle to the death?" Lily asked.

Dumbledore shrugged his shoulders. "I guess. I'll win, of course, but what do the Potter's have to do with this?"

**He clicked it again — the next lamp flickered into darkness. Twelve times he clicked the Put-Outer,**

"What the hell?" Dumbledore asked, "'put-outer?' It's fucking called a Deluminator!"

"Coo! Can we borrow it Professor?" James asks.

"Fuck no. What if Sirius is tripping and accidentally eats it?"

**until the only lights left on the whole street were two tiny pinpricks in the distance, which were the eyes of the cat watching him. If anyone looked out of their window now, even beady-eyed Mrs. Dursley, they wouldn't be able to see anything that was happening down on the pavement. Dumbledore slipped the Put-Outer back inside his cloak and set off down the street toward number four, where he sat down on the wall next to the cat. He didn't look at it, but after a moment he spoke to it. **"**Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall."**

"Taunting your opponent?" James asked, "that's not very brave."

"You hypocrite," Lily muttered.

**He turned to smile at the tabby, but it had gone. Instead he was smiling at a rather severe-looking woman who was wearing square glasses exactly the shape of the markings the cat had had around its eyes. She, too, was wearing a cloak, an emerald one. Her black hair was drawn into a tight bun. She looked distinctly ruffled.**

"**How did you know it was me?" she asked.**

"Does she think nobody notices when she stalks them?"

"**My dear Professor, I've never seen a cat sit so stiffly."**

**"**You'd be stiff if you'd been sitting on a brick wall all day," said Professor McGonagall.****

"Not really," Sirius said, "I once sat on a brick wall for seventy-three hours waiting for Lovegood to give me my LSD. He then came and told me that he had taken it all himself and that he wouldn't have anymore for three weeks."

"**All day? When you could have been celebrating? I must have passed a dozen feasts and parties on my way here."**

****Professor McGonagall sniffed angrily.****

****"**Oh yes, everyone's celebrating, all right," she said impatiently. "You'd think they'd be a bit more careful, but no — even the Muggles have noticed something's going on. It was on their news." She jerked her head back at the Dursleys' dark living-room window. "I heard it. Flocks of owls… shooting stars… Well, they're not completely stupid. They were bound to notice something. Shooting stars down in Kent — I'll bet that was Dedalus Diggle. He never had much sense."******

"I did LSD with that guy once," Sirius recalled.

"**You can't blame them," said Dumbledore gently. "We've had precious little to celebrate for eleven years."**

"I just fucking realized this takes place in fucking 1981!" Dumbledore said.

"How?"

"Because the war began in fucking 1970, and it's still going on in fucking 1976!"

"**I know that," said Professor McGonagall irritably. "But that's no reason to lose our heads. People are being downright careless, out on the streets in broad daylight, not even dressed in Muggle clothes, swapping rumors."**

"They sound even more irresponsible than me on my worst trip," Sirius said.

**She threw a sharp, sideways glance at Dumbledore here, as though hoping he was going to tell her something, but he didn't, so she went on. "A fine thing it would be if, on the very day You-Know-Who seems to have disappeared at last, the Muggles found out about us all.**

"That'd be awesome," Sirius said, "it's like two revolutions at once!"

"Why haven't we shown ourselves to Muggles?" Lily asked.

"Because we're fucking looters. We don't share," Dumbledore explained.

**I suppose he really **_**has **_**gone, Dumbledore?"**

**"**It certainly seems so," said Dumbledore. **"**We have much to be thankful for. Would you care for a lemon drop?"****

"Your going to poison her?" Lily asks, "that's fairly anti-climatic."

"**A **_**what**_**?"**

"Wow, she must not be stalking me well if she doesn't fucking know about my lemon drops."

"**A lemon drop. They're a kind of Muggle sweet I'm rather fond of."**

"**No, thank you," said Professor McGonagall coldly, as though she didn't think this was the moment for lemon drops.**

Dumbledore dropped the book in shock. "There's never a wrong time for lemon drops!"

**"As I say, even if You-Know-Who **_**has **_**gone —"**

**"**My dear Professor, surely a sensible person like yourself can call him by his name? All this 'You-Know-Who' nonsense — for eleven years I have been trying to persuade people to call him by his proper name: **_**Voldemort**_**."****

"Fear of a fucking name only increases fear of the fucking thing itself," Dumbledore recited.

"So," Remus countered, "if we didn't give a name to genocide or insanity, they would be less scary?"

"Yes," Dumbledore said, "in fact, Remus, by naming those things you are contributing to their existence. We should ignore our problems like Ayn Rand says."

**Professor McGonagall flinched, but Dumbledore, who was unsticking two lemon drops, seemed not to notice.**

****"It all gets so confusing if we keep saying 'You-Know-Who.' I have never seen any reason to be frightened of saying Voldemort's name."****

"Well, that's because you could blast the fuck out of him if you wanted!" James protested.

"You shouldn't fucking swear," Dumbledore said, "who teaches you fucking kids this shit?"

"Could you destroy Voldemort if you wanted?" Lily asked.

"Er... define 'destroy.'"

**"I know you haven't," said Professor McGonagall, sounding half exasperated, half admiring. "But you're different. Everyone knows you're the only one You-Know- oh, all right, **_**Voldemort**_**, ****was frightened of."**

"I wonder why?" Peter asked.

"Who gives a shit?" Dumbledore asked. The Marauders and Lily raised their hands. "Oh. Well, apparently you five do. But whatever, it's too early in the day for this."

"It's six in the evening," Sirius pointed out.

"Don't you have some LSD tripping to do?" Dumbledore asked angrily.

"No," Sirius muttered bitterly, "that FUCKER quit selling LSD!"

"**Only because you're too — well —**_**noble **_**to use them."**

"Your a brave man, Professor," Lily agreed.

Dumbledore smiled. "Thank you, Lily."

"**It's lucky it's dark. I haven't blushed so much since Madam Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs."**

"Why did that embarrass you?" Remus asked.

"Well, it wasn't that she _per se_ so much as it was that she told me in the shower," Dumbledore explained.

The five stared at the Headmaster in a combination of puzzlement, disgust and fascination.

"What? At least I take showers UNLIKE PETER PETTIGREW!" Dumbledore roared.

"That's true, mate," James told Peter, "everyone thinks it's disgusting and weird."

"I can't bathe in_ fluoride water like the sheeple_!"

**Professor McGonagall shot a sharp look at Dumbledore and said, "The owls are nothing next to the **_**rumors **_**that are flying around. You know what they're saying? About why he's disappeared? About what finally stopped him?"**

"I'm curious as what could have stopped him," Lily said.

**Professor McGonagall shot a sharp look at Dumbledore and said, "The owls are nothing next to the **_**rumors **_**that are flying around. You know what they're saying? About why he's disappeared? About what finally stopped him?"**

"LSD?" Sirius guessed.

Lily rolled her eyes. "That is the worst explanation of any form I have ever heard!"

"How do you know? Has anyone even tried giving Voldemort LSD?"

"**What they're **_**saying**_**," she pressed on, "is that last night Voldemort turned up in Godric's Hollow. He went to find the Potters.**

"Looks like James is dead," Peter said in indifference.

"Can I have your Snitch?" Sirius ask, "I can play with it once I've taken LSD."

"He probably left everything to his mother," Remus speculated.

James stared at Remus in shock. "How did you know that?"

**The rumor is that Lily and James Potter-**

"What the hell?" Lily asked, "is she on drugs?"

"No," Sirius said, "there isn't enough LSD on earth to make someone trip that badly."

"I married Lily!" James cried in glee, "my life is perfect!"

"Did I just fall down a rabbit hole?" Lily asked, "I can't think of a single reason why I would marry Potter. The rumor better be I got an annulment!"

"If were in a rabbit hole, do you think the carrots will have LSD?" Sirius asked.

**are — are — that they're — **_**dead**_**."**

"Well, thank God," Lily said, "that's the lesser evil compared to my future marriage."

"Voldemort killed us?" James asked.

"No, Potter," Dumbledore said, "he took you to Mali. Of course he killed you two!"

**Dumbledore bowed his head. Professor McGonagall gasped. **"**Lily and James… I can't believe it… I didn't want to believe it… Oh, Albus…"**

"This is your fault!" Lily snapped.

"What?" James sputtered in outrage, "what did _I_ do?"

"You tricked my future self into marrying you and now I'm dead! I should have listened to Petunia!"

"Wait, Mrs. Dursley is your sister?" Sirius asked.

Lily frowned. "Yes, apparently. Why?"

**Dumbledore reached out and patted her on the shoulder. "I know… I know…" he said heavily. Professor McGonagall's voice trembled as she went on. "That's not all. They're saying he tried to kill the Potter's son, Harry.**

"I have a son?" Lily and James asked at the same time.

"Your lucky," Sirius said, "I can't have kids because I'm single and my excessive constant drug usage makes me probably infertile. Plus someone keeps writing filthy stories about Peter and me in Moaning Myrtles bathroom."

**But he couldn't. He couldn't kill that little boy. No one knows why, or how, but they're saying that when he couldn't kill Harry Potter, Voldemort's power somehow broke — and that's why he's gone."**

****Dumbledore nodded glumly. **"**It's — it's **_**true**_**?" faltered Professor McGonagall. "After all he's done… all the people he's killed… he couldn't kill a little boy? It's just astounding… of all the things to stop him… but how in the name of heaven did Harry survive?"****

"How did he survive?" Lily asked in shock.

"**We can only guess." said Dumbledore. "We may never know."**

"You already know, don't you?" Peter asked.

Dumbledore changed the subject. "Hey, is that a Freemasonry symbol?"

"WHERE?!" Peter asked as he pulled out a chainsaw.

"Oh nowhere. my mistake."

**Professor McGonagall pulled out a lace handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes beneath her spectacles. Dumbledore gave a great sniff as he took a golden watch from his pocket and examined it. It was a very odd watch. It had twelve hands but no numbers; instead, little planets were moving around the edge.**

****It must have made sense to Dumbledore, though, because he put it back in his pocket and said, "Hagrid's late. I suppose it was he who told you I'd be here, by the way?"****

"You left my kid with Hagrid?" James cried, are you trying to get him killed?"

"No, I'd be more subtle if I were."

"**Yes," said Professor McGonagall. "And I don't suppose you're going to tell me **_**why **_**you're here, of all places?"**

**"**I've come to bring Harry to his aunt and uncle. They're the only family he has left now."****

"What? All my relatives died?" James asked in shock.

"They must have realized the implications of being related to you and died of dread," Lily suggested.

"**You don't mean – you **_**can't **_**mean the people who live **_**here**_**?" cried Professor McGonagall, jumping to her feet and pointing at number four. "Dumbledore — you can't. I've been watching them all day. You couldn't find two people who are less like us. And they've got this son — I saw him kicking his mother all the way up the street, screaming for sweets. Harry Potter come and live here!"**

"Wow, Minerva is such a Death Eater," Dumbledore said.

"**It's the best place for him," said Dumbledore firmly. "His aunt and uncle will be able to explain everything to him when he's older. I've written them a letter."**

"See? I've got everything under control," Dumbledore claimed.

"**A letter?" repeated Professor McGonagall faintly, sitting back down on the wall. "Really, Dumbledore, you think you can explain all this in a letter? These people will never understand him! He'll be famous — a legend — I wouldn't be surprised if today was known as Harry Potter day in the future — there will be books written about Harry **— **every child in our world will know his name!"**

"Why?" Peter asked, "It's not like he earned it. Unlike John Dillinger WHO DIED FOR US!"

"**Exactly." said Dumbledore, looking very seriously over the top of his half-moon glasses. "It would be enough to turn any boy's head. Famous before he can walk and talk! Famous for something he won't even remember! Can you see how much better off he'll be, growing up away from all that until he's ready to take it?"**

"Exactly, we can't have him like his father," Lily said.

**Professor McGonagall opened her mouth, changed her mind, swallowed, and then said, "Yes — yes, you're right, of course. But how is the boy getting here, Dumbledore?" She eyed his cloak suddenly as though she thought he might be hiding Harry underneath it.**

**"**You think it —**_**wise **_**— to trust Hagrid with something as important as this?"****

"**I would trust Hagrid with my life," said Dumbledore.**

"Actually, I wouldn't," Dumbledore said, "I'm clearly fibbing. I wouldn't trust Hagrid to water my garden if I had one."

"**I'm not saying his heart isn't in the right place," said Professor McGonagall grudgingly, "but you can't pretend he's not careless.**

"He stole my LSD once," Sirius growled.

**He does tend to — what was that?" A low rumbling sound had broken the silence around them. It grew steadily louder as they looked up and down the street for some sign of a headlight; it swelled to a roar as they both looked up at the sky — and a huge motorcycle fell out of the air and landed on the road in front of them.**

****In his vast, muscular arms he was holding a bundle of blankets.****

"Why does Hagrid carry around a bunch of blankets?" Sirius asked in confusion.

"**Hagrid," said Dumbledore, sounding relieved. "At last. And where did you get that motorcycle?" **"**Borrowed it, Professor Dumbledore, sir," said the giant, climbing carefully off the motorcycle as he spoke. "Young Sirius Black lent it to me."**

"OH NO! I"M COLLECTING FLYING MOTOTRCYCLES! MY LIFE HAS NO PURPOSE WITHOUT MY HIGHS!"

"I'm surprised your still alive at this late of a date," Dumbledore said.

"Yeah, so am I," Sirius agreed.

"**No problems, were there?"**"**No, sir — house was almost destroyed, but I got him out all right before the Muggles started swarmin' around. He fell asleep as we was flyin' over Bristol."**

****Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall bent forward over the bundle of blankets. Inside, just visible, was a baby boy, fast asleep. Under a tuft of jet-black hair ****over his forehead they could see a curiously shaped cut, like a bolt of lightning.****

"**Is that where —?" whispered Professor McGonagall.**

"**Yes," said Dumbledore. "He'll have that scar forever.**

**"**"**Couldn't you do something about it, Dumbledore?"**

"**Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. **I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.****

"Good thing I have it to," Dumbledore said, "those trains scare me!"

**Well — give him here, Hagrid — we'd better get this over with."Dumbledore took Harry in his arms and turned toward the Dursleys' house.**

**"**Could I — could I say good-bye to him, sir?" asked Hagrid. He bent his great, shaggy head over Harry and gave him what must have been a very scratchy, whiskery kiss. Then, suddenly, Hagrid let out a howl like a wounded dog.****

****"**Shhh!" hissed Professor McGonagall, "You'll wake the Muggles!"**"**S-s-sorry," sobbed Hagrid, taking out a large, spotted handkerchief and burying his face in it. "But I c-c-can't stand it —Lily an' James dead — an' poor little Harry off ter live with Muggles —"******

"It is fairly sad," Remus agreed.

"**Yes, yes, it's all very sad, but get a grip on yourself, Hagrid, or we'll be found," Professor McGonagall whispered, patting Hagrid gingerly on the arm as Dumbledore stepped over the low garden wall and walked to the front door. He laid Harry gently on the doorstep, took a letter out of his cloak, tucked it inside Harry's blankets, and then came back to the other two. For a full minute the three of them stood and looked at the little bundle; Hagrid's shoulders shook, Professor McGonagall blinked furiously, and the twinkling light that usually shone from Dumbledore's eyes seemed to have gone out.**

"What does that mean?"

Dumbledore pondered this. "Apparently my lemon drop has dissolved."

"**Well," said Dumbledore finally, "that's that. We've no business staying here. We may as well go and join the celebrations."**

"**Yeah," said Hagrid in a very muffled voice, "I best get this bike away. G'night, Professor McGonagall — Professor Dumbledore, sir."**

**Wiping his streaming eyes on his jacket sleeve, Hagrid swung himself onto the motorcycle and kicked the engine into life; with a roar it rose into the air and off into the night.**

****Dumbledore turned and walked back down the street. On the corner he stopped and took out the silver Put-Outer. He clicked it once, and twelve balls of light sped back to their street lamps so that Privet Drive glowed suddenly orange and he could make out a tabby cat slinking around the corner at the other end of the street.****

**He could just see the bundle of blankets on the step of number four.**

"**Good luck, Harry," he murmured. He turned on his heel and with a swish of his cloak, he was gone. **A breeze ruffled the neat hedges of Privet Drive, which lay silent and tidy under the inky sky, the very last place you would expect astonishing things to happen. Harry Potter rolled over inside his blankets without waking up. One small hand closed on the letter beside him and he slept on, not knowing he was special, not knowing he was famous, not knowing he would be woken in a few hours' time by Mrs. Dursley's scream as she opened the front door to put out the milk bottles, nor that he would spend the next few weeks being prodded and pinched by his cousin Dudley.****

******He couldn't know that at this very moment, people meeting in secret all over the country were holding up their glasses and saying in hushed voices: "To Harry Potter — the boy who lived!"******

"Well, that's the first fucking chapter," Dumbledore said," now go to your dorms."

"But Dumbles, I want more," Sirius cried.

"To bad you filthy mutt. We continue tomorrow."

The Marauders and Lily returned to the Great Hall. Dumbledore returned to Head's Office. Dobby shaved his afro, but this has no relation to the general story.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: __I don't own the Philosopher's Stone. This pointless disclaimer is with the hope this won't be deleted if i add it._

The Marauders and Lily were in the Room of Requirement anxiously awaited the next chapter's reading. Sirius was convinced that Vernon's firm Grunning's was actually a money-laundering front for LSD trade, but nobody else agreed when he shared this theory.

Dumbledore rode in on his tricycle again.

"Your late," Peter said.

"Unavoidable. I was watching Christopher Lowell. But that's not the point; I have the fucking books," Dumbledore pulled out a copy of the Philosopher's Stone, "okay, this will be chapter fucking two!"

**The Vanishing Glass**

"Why does it vanish? LSD?" Sirius asked.

"One fucking line and your already bringing that up again?" Dumbledore asked contemptuously, "I haven't read the fucking chapter!"

**Nearly ten years had passed since the Dursleys had woken up to find their nephew on the front step, b******ut Privet Drive had hardly changed at all. ****

"They need LSD," Sirius offered.

"Nothing changed? Bullshit!" Peter said, "the NWO doesn't _rest_. No doubt a police state exist but the sheeple didn't notice!"

"Peter, stop trading the fucking Quibbler," James muttered.

"What the fuck? I told to fucking quit swearing, so listen you little piece of shit bastard!" Dumbledore ordered, "seriously, you kids are so fucked up. Who the hell taught you swearing anyway?"

**The sun rose on the same tidy front gardens and lit up the brass number four on the Dursleys' front door; it crept into their living room,**

"The sun doesn't creep up on people," Lily noted.

"McGonagall, however, does creep up on people," Dumbledore added.

**which was almost exactly the same as it had been on the night when Mr. Dursley had seen that fateful news report about the owls.**

"Tripping LSD helps you redecorate," Sirius claimed.

**Only the photographs on the mantelpiece really showed how much time had passed. Ten years ago, there had been lots of pictures of what looked like a large pink beach ball wearing different-colored bonnets —**but Dudley Dursley was no longer a baby,****

"What does that matter? And why is Petunia photographing beach balls?" Lily asked.

**and now the photographs showed a large blond boy riding his first bicycle, on a carousel at the fair, playing a computer game with his father,**

"What's a computer?" James asked.

"It's a Muggle electronic device," Sirius explained, "I've hacked into ten different computer systems to get LSD."

**being hugged and kissed by his mother. The room held no sign at all that another boy lived in the house, too.**

****Yet Harry Potter was still there,****

"That means he lives there," Dumbledore said to nobody's benefit.

"Ugh, my son is trapped in the madhouse. Poor baby, all alone," Lily said sadly, "on the bright side, though, he never meet James."

"You can't hate me as much as you claim if we're getting married in the future," James argued.

"That's what you think. Oh, and once Harry is conceived, I'm getting a divorce."

****asleep at the moment, **but not for long.******

"Why?" James asked.

"Because he'll be woken up," Remus predicted.

**His Aunt Petunia was awake,**

"She's having an early morning trip," Sirius speculated.

"Actually, that's pretty likely knowing Petunia," Lily conceded.

**and it was her shrill voice which made the first noise of the day.**

"This author is so judgmental," Dumbledore said.

**"Up! Get up! Now!"** **Harry woke with a start. His aunt rapped on the door again. **"Up!" she screeched.****

"She must by waking him up to get acid," Sirius suggested.

"She better not. That might make me look irresponsible from the grave," Lily shivered.

**Harry heard her walking towards the kitchen and then the sound of the frying pan being put on the cooker.**

"There's nothing better than waking up to freshly cooked bacon, LSD, and carpet cleaner that you stole from the bank," Sirius said happily.

**He rolled on to his back and tried to remember the dream he had been having. It had been a good one.**

"He must have had LSD the night before," Sirius suggested.

"That's okay as long as it's in moderation," James said.

Lily rolled her eyes. "James, you idiot, we're not letting him have LSD. If Petunia wants him to have it, though, then fine. Her house, her rules.

**There had been a flying motorbike in it. He had a funny feeling he'd had the same dream before.**

"Shit, now he associates me with that because that fucker Lovegood quit selling LSD," Sirius moaned.

"Why did he stop selling LSD anyway?" Lily asked.

"Some bullshit about how nargles hate it."

**His aunt was back outside the door.**

**"Are you up yet?" she demanded.**

**"Nearly," said Harry.**

**"Well, get a move on, I want you to look after the bacon. And don't you dare let it burn, I want everything perfect on Duddy's birthday."**

"Who in the flying fuck is Duddy?" Peter asked.

"Maybe a relative of her husband?" Remus suggested.

"Probably," Lily agreed, "I don't have a Duddy on my side."

**Harry groaned.**

**"What did you say?" his aunt snapped through the door.**

**"Nothing, nothing ..." Dudley's birthday - how could he have forgotten?**

"Petunia calls her son Duddy?" Remus asked, "I hope she doesn't give him a stream of stupid pet names."

"Petunia's not like that," Lily said confidently.

**Harry got slowly out of bed and started looking for socks. He found a pair under his bed and, after pulling a spider ****off one of them, put them on. Harry was used to spiders, **because the cupboard under the stairs was full of them, **and that was where he slept.******

"You mean he isn't cleaning his fucking room?" Dumbledore said, "sounds lazier than his father."

"Harry," Lily muttered, "I did future things to create you that I'll never forgive myself for. The least you can do is clean you cupboard!"

**When he was dressed he went down the hall into the kitchen. The table was almost hidden beneath all Dudley's birthday presents. ****It looked as though Dudley had got the new computer he wanted, not to mention the second television and the racing bike.**

"It's nice too see Petunia going out of her way to give her son a nice birthday," Lily commented.

**Exactly why Dudley wanted a racing bike was a mystery to Harry, as Dudley was very fat and hated exercise - unless of course it involved punching somebody.**

"What a bitch," Peter muttered, "he reminds me of James."

"Hey, Peter! Look! The reptilians are invading!" Dumbledore yelled.

"WHERE?!" Peter asked.

Dumbledore laughed. "Looks like I pulled a fast one on you."

**Dudley's favourite punch-bag was Harry,**

"WHAT?" cried everybody except Dumbledore, who wondered why he didn't have a lemon drop in his pocket.

**But he couldn't often catch him.**

"Because he's fat?" James asked.

**Harry didn't look it, but he was very fast.**

"Potter genes," James said proudly.

Peter rolled his eyes. "Please. You can't run if your life depended on it. Remember that time the four of us had a race? You couldn't even jog. Everybody beat you easily. Even Remus-and Lord knows he's a hopeless runner-beat you by twelve minutes. Your running sucks."

**Perhaps it had something to do with living in a dark cupboard, but Harry had always been small and skinny for his age.**

"Guess he's not getting feed properly," Remus said.

"I'm sure Petunia is feeding him just fine. She's my sister."

**He wore round glasses held together by a lot of Sellotape because of all the times Dudley had punched him on the nose.**

"Bully," James muttered.

"James, you hypocritical bastard, you have no right to say that about anyone!" Lily roared. Peter nodded in agreement.

**The only thing Harry liked about his appearance was a very thin scar on his forehead which was shaped like a bolt of lightning.**

"He sounds like he has James appearance. No wonder he has body issues," Lily reasoned.

**He had had it as long as he could remember and the first question he could ever remember asking his aunt was how he had got it.**

****"In the car crash when your parents died," she had said. "**And don't ask questions."******

"I thought they were murdered," Sirius said.

"They fucking were," Dumbledore said, "she lied!"

"I'm sure she misspoke," Lily said.

**Don't ask questions — that was the first rule for a quiet life with the Dursleys.**

"Boring!" Sirius called out, "bring out the LSD!"

**Uncle Vernon entered the kitchen as Harry was turning over the bacon.**

**"**Comb your hair!" he barked, by way of a morning greeting.****

"And clean your fucking cupboard while your at it!" Dumbledore piped up.

**Harry was frying eggs by the time Dudley arrived in the kitchen with his mother. Dudley looked a lot like Uncle Vernon. **

"Ew," Peter said.

**He had a large pink face, not much neck, small, watery blue eyes, and thick blond hair that lay smoothly on his thick, fat head.**

****Aunt Petunia often said that Dudley looked like a baby angel —****Harry often said that Dudley looked like a pig in a wig.****

"Harry!" Lily scolded.

"FIGHT THE SYSTEM!" Peter roared upon hearing the word "pig."

**Harry put the plates of egg and bacon on the table, which was difficult as there wasn't much room. Dudley, meanwhile, was counting his presents. His face fell.**

"I didn't know that was possible," James said.

"_It's an expression Potter!_"

"**Thirty-six," he said, looking up at his mother and father. "That's two less than last year."**

"That means he had thirty-eight," Sirius counted.

"His parents must not care about him," James said, "I get three times that just for weekend visits."

"Yeah, and look how how damn well you turned out," Lily sneered.

"Exactly," James agreed, "I'm an ideal citizen."

"**Darling, you haven't counted Auntie Marge's present, see, it's here under this big one from Mummy and Daddy."**

**"**All right, thirty-seven then," said Dudley, going red in the face. Harry, who could see a huge Dudley tantrum coming on, began wolfing down his bacon as fast as possible in case Dudley turned the table over.****

**Aunt Petunia obviously scented danger, too, because she said quickly, ****"And we'll buy you another two presents while we're out today. How's that, popkin? Two more presents. Is that all right?"**

"Petunia's got everything under control," Lily sighed in relief.

James eyebrows rose. "She's spoiling the brat!"

Lily snorted. "Did you not just tell me you get one hundred and eight presents simply for prancing back home?"

"That's because I'm amazing," James boasted.

**Dudley thought for a moment. It looked like hard work.**

**Finally he said slowly, "So I'll have thirty… thirty…"**

"**Thirty-nine, sweetums," said Aunt Petunia.**

"**Oh." Dudley sat down heavily and grabbed the nearest parcel. "All right then."**

"The Illumanists dumb down our schools so the children won't resist!" Peter squeaked.

"**Little tyke wants his money's worth, just like his father. 'Atta boy, Dudley!" He ruffled Dudley's hair.**

**At that moment the telephone rang and Aunt Petunia went to answer it while Harry and Uncle Vernon watched Dudley unwrap the racing bike, a video camera, a remote control airplane, sixteen new computer games, and a VCR.**

Sirius eyes grew wide. "Think of all the LSD you could pawn that stuff for."

**He was ripping the paper off a gold wristwatch when Aunt Petunia came back from the telephone looking both angry and worried.**

"**Bad news, Vernon," she said. "Mrs. Figg's broken her leg. She can't take him."**

**She jerked her head in Harry's direction.**

"Arabella?" Dumbledore asked, "what in the fuck does she need with Harry?"

**Dudley's mouth fell open in horror, but Harry's heart gave a leap. Every year on Dudley's birthday, his parents took him and a friend out for the day, to adventure parks, hamburger restaurants, or the movies. Every year, Harry was left behind with Mrs. Figg, a mad old lady who lived two streets away. Harry hated it there. The whole house smelled of cabbage and Mrs. Figg made him look at photographs of all the cats she'd ever owned.**

"Your sister's making him miserable on purpose! Probably to get me from beyond!"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Sure James. Me, Petunia, Severus, the other three Seekers, and Filch started a club called James-Haters United just to torment you."

"Really? When did this start" James asked in astonishment.

Lily clapped her head in her hands. "You are hopeless, Potter,"

"You have to admit that it sounds like Petunia has intentionally neglected him as much as possible," Remus said.

"I disagree," Lily said, "Petunia obviously wants to install in Harry a healthy respect for the elderly. That's why he's going next door."

**Now what?' said Aunt Petunia, looking furiously at Harry as though he'd planned this. Harry knew he ought to feel sorry that Mrs. Figg had broken her leg, but it wasn't easy when he reminded himself it would be a whole year before he had to look at Tibbles, Snowy, Mr. Paws, and Tufty again.**

"I hate cats," Sirius muttered.

"Better not say that near Minerva," Dumbledore warned gravely.

**"We could phone Marge," Uncle Vernon suggested. **

**"Don't be silly, Vernon, she hates the boy."**

"See?" Lily spoke up, "Petunia's looking out for Harry."

**The Dursleys often spoke about Harry like this, as though he wasn't there — or rather, as though he was something very nasty that couldn't understand them, like a slug.**

"Slug's aren't nasty!" Sirius barked in outrage, "in fact, their some of the most beautiful creatures on earth."

**"What about what's-her-name, your friend — Yvonne?"**

"**On vacation in Majorca," snapped Aunt Petunia. **

"Say, I know a dealer named Yvonne," Sirius said, "she's got real quality LSD.'

**"You could just leave me here," Harry put in hopefully (he'd be able to watch what he wanted on television for a change and maybe even have a go on Dudley's computer).**

"He should try LSD while they're gone," Sirius recommended.

**Aunt Petunia looked as though she'd just swallowed a lemon. **

"**And come back and find the house in ruins?" she snarled. **

"That's a wise point," Lily said appreciatively, "you never know what kind of accidents can occur while your gone."

"No, she accused him of trying to blow up the house!" James cried.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Ludicrous."

**"I won't blow up the house," said Harry, ****but they weren't listening.**

"**I suppose we could take him to the zoo," said Aunt Petunia slowly, "… and leave him in the car…"**

"**That car's new, he's not sitting in it alone…"**

"All they care about is the car!" James squealed, "they hate him!"

"Nonsense," Lily countered, "they realize new cars have a greater chance of being theft, so they're considering Harry's safety."

**Dudley began to cry loudly.**

"Somebody smack him," Peter muttered, "I'll bet he's a Freemason."

**In fact, he wasn't really crying — it had been years since he'd really cried — but he knew that if he screwed up his face and wailed, his mother would give him anything he wanted.**

"Sound's like James," Dumbledore commented.

"I don't fake cry to get my way!"

"Yes, you do," Peter said, "like when you wanted a massage in Divination? Or when you wanted Firewhiskey? Or when you wanted to revive the Triwizard Tournament because you wanted that cup for yourself?"

"Those were extreme circumstances in which desperate steps were necessary!" James protested.

**"Dinky Duddydums, don't cry, Mummy won't let him spoil your special day!" she cried, flinging her arms around him.**

"_Dinky Duddydums_?" Peter repeated with a grimace, "what the fuck? That's the most idiotic thing I ever heard!"

"And given the kinds of things he reads, that's saying a lot," Dumbledore added.

**"I… don't… want… him… t-t-to come!" Dudley yelled between huge, pretend sobs. "He always sp-spoils everything!" He shot Harry a nasty grin through the gap in his mother's arms.**

**Just then, the doorbell rang — "Oh, good Lord, they're here!" said Aunt Petunia frantically — and a moment later, Dudley's best friend, Piers Polkiss, walked in with his mother. **

**Piers was a scrawny boy with a face like a rat. He was usually the one who held people's arms behind their backs while Dudley hit them.**

"Is their anyone in this area that isn't a sociopath?" Remus asked.

Dumbledore thought hard. "why, no, I don't think so."

**Dudley stopped pretending to cry at once. **

**Half an hour later, Harry, who couldn't believe his luck, was sitting in the back of the Dursleys' car with Piers and Dudley, on the way to the zoo for the first time in his life.**

"What in the fuck?" Dumbledore was stunned, "even my neglectful, intellectually inferior parents took me to the zoo once!"

"I love the zoo," Sirius said dreamily, "you can watch elephants, take pictures of polar bears, and find secret restroom compartments stashed with LSD."

**His aunt and uncle hadn't been able to think of anything else to do with him, but before they'd left, Uncle Vernon had taken Harry aside.**

"**I'm warning you," he had said, putting his large purple face right up close to Harry's,**

**"I'm warning you now, boy — any funny business, anything at all — and you'll be in that cupboard from now until Christmas."**

"WHAT?" James roared.

"I'm sure he merely exaggerated," Lily said dismissively.

**"I'm not going to do anything," said Harry, "honestly…"**

****But Uncle Vernon didn't believe him. No one ever did.** **The problem was, strange things often happened around Harry and it was just no good telling the Dursleys he didn't make them happen.****

"Probably because of his fucking magic," Dumbledore guessed.

**Once, Aunt Petunia, tired of Harry coming back from the barbers looking as though he hadn't been at all, had taken a pair of kitchen scissors and cut his hair so short he was almost bald except for his bangs, which she left 'to hide that horrible scar.' Dudley had laughed himself silly at Harry, who spent a sleepless night imagining school the next day, where he was already laughed at for his baggy clothes and taped glasses. Next morning, however, he had gotten up to find his hair exactly as it had been before Aunt Petunia had sheared it off. Next morning, however, he had gotten up to find his hair exactly as it had been before Aunt Petunia had sheared it off.**

****He had been given a week in his cupboard for this, even though he had tried to explain that he **_**couldn't**_** explain how it had grown back so quickly. ****

"Wow," Remus said.

"Your sister has issues with Harry," Sirius told Lily.

"I always knew she hated me," James muttered.

"Have you even meet one of Lily's relatives?" Peter's asked.

"That's not the point! I know a conspiracy when I see one!"

"No you don't. Your a sheep who plays into NWO hands."

**Another time, Aunt Petunia had been trying to force him into a revolting old sweater of Dudley's (brown with orange puff balls).**

"I have that exact outfit," Dumbledore, "except that it comes with rubber gloves. I only wear it on special occasions."

"What occasions?" Lily asked.

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows. "Why, Moaning Myrtle's birthday, of course."

**The harder she tried to pull it over his head, the smaller it seemed to become, until finally it might have fitted a hand puppet, but certainly wouldn't fit Harry. **

**Aunt Petunia had decided it must have shrunk in the wash and, to his great relief, Harry wasn't punished.**

"See? Petunia isn't out to get him."

**On the other hand, he'd gotten into terrible trouble for being found on the roof of the school kitchens. Dudley's gang had been chasing him as usual when, as much to Harry's surprise as anyone else's, there he was sitting on the chimney. **

**The Dursleys had received a very angry letter from Harry's headmistress telling them Harry had been climbing school buildings. But all he'd tried to do (as he shouted at Uncle Vernon through the locked door of his cupboard) was jump behind the big trashcans outside the kitchen doors. Harry supposed that the wind must have caught him in mid-jump.**

"Shit, I think he apparated," Dumbledore said, "how the fucking hell can he use that so young. Must be special fucking powers."

**But today, nothing was going to go wrong. It was even worth being with Dudley and Piers to be spending the day somewhere that wasn't school, his cupboard, or Mrs. Figg's cabbage-smelling living room.**

"At least he's getting out," Lily said bitterly, "we never go anywhere in Hogwarts!"

**While he drove, Uncle Vernon complained to Aunt Petunia. He liked to complain about things: people at work, Harry, the council, Harry, the bank, and Harry were just a few of his favorite subjects. This morning, it was motorcycles.**

"Oh, shit," Sirius muttered, "he's going to have an involuntary flashback of my motorcycle."

"… **roaring along like maniacs, the young hoodlums," he said, as a motorcycle overtook them.**

"Did you do that to Dursley?" Dumbledore asked Sirius.

"No idea," Sirius said, "I don't see how I could still be alive by then unless I abandoned drugs and joined a cult."

'**I had a dream about a motorcycle," said Harry, remembering suddenly. 'It was flying.'**

**Uncle Vernon nearly crashed into the car in front. He turned right around in his seat and yelled at Harry, his face like a gigantic beet with a mustache: "MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY!" **

"YES THEY FUCKING DO!" Sirius responded.

**Dudley and Piers sniggered. **

"**I know they don't," said Harry. "It was only a dream."**

**But he wished he hadn't said anything. If there was one thing the Dursleys hated even more than his asking questions, it was his talking about anything acting in a way it shouldn't, no matter if it was in a dream or even a cartoon — they seemed to think he might get dangerous ideas.**

"I hate cartoons," Sirius said, "they perpetuate negative stereotypes about drugs."

**It was a very sunny Saturday and the zoo was crowded with families. The Dursleys bought Dudley and Piers large chocolate ice creams at the entrance and then, because the smiling lady in the van had asked Harry what he wanted before they could hurry him away, they bought him a cheap lemon ice pop.**

"That sounds delicious," Dumbledore said, "I'll have to go to the zoo and try one."

"Can you take me to the zoo, Dumbles?" Sirius asked.

"Fine. But your not feeding LSD to any animals!"

Sirius pouted. "Fine, I won't."

**It wasn't bad, either, Harry thought,**

"Thanks for the recommendation," Dumbledore said.

**licking it as they watched a gorilla scratching its head who looked remarkably like Dudley, except that it wasn't blond.**

"How peculiar," James said, wondering how animals could look like humans.

**Harry had the best morning he'd had in a long time. He was careful to walk a little way apart from the Dursleys so that Dudley and Piers, who were starting to get bored with the animals by lunchtime, wouldn't fall back on their favorite hobby of hitting him.**

**They ate in the zoo restaurant, and when Dudley had a tantrum because his knickerbocker glory didn't have enough ice cream on top, Uncle Vernon bought him another one and Harry was allowed to finish the first.**

"How generous of him," Peter sneered. Peter won ten points for snark.

**Harry felt, afterward, that he should have known it was all too good to last.** **After lunch they went to the reptile house. It was cool and dark in there, with lit windows all along the walls. Behind the glass, all sorts of lizards and snakes were crawling and slithering over bits of wood and stone. Dudley and Piers wanted to see huge, poisonous cobras and thick, man-crushing pythons. Dudley quickly found the largest snake in the place. It could have wrapped its body twice around Uncle Vernon's car and crushed it into a trash can —****but at the moment it didn't look in the mood. In fact, it was fast asleep. Dudley stood with his nose pressed against the glass, staring at the glistening brown coils.**

"Disgusting," Peter said, "somebody get his filthy nose off the fucking glass."

"**Make it move," he whined at his father. Uncle Vernon tapped on the glass, but the snake didn't budge. **

"**Do it again," Dudley ordered. Uncle Vernon rapped the glass smartly with his knuckles, but the snake just snoozed on.**

"The snake clearly needs a fucking nap," Dumbledore observed.

'**This is boring,' Dudley moaned. He shuffled away.**

"Your boring, and you probably believe the mainstream media," Peter barked.

**Harry moved in front of the tank and looked intently at the snake. He wouldn't have been surprised if it had died of boredom itself — no company except stupid people drumming their fingers on the glass trying to disturb it all day long. It was worse than having a cupboard as a bedroom, where the only visitor was Aunt Petunia hammering on the door to wake you up; at least he got to visit the rest of the house.**

"That's probably intentional," Peter said, "the NWO loves killing and torchore of animals as much as they do people. IT"S ALL CRYSTAL CLEAR!"

**The snake suddenly opened its beady eyes. Slowly, very slowly, it raised its head until its eyes were on a level with Harry's.**

_**It winked**_**.**

"Okay then," Lily said, "what's the big deal?"

**Harry stared. Then he looked quickly around to see if anyone was watching. They weren't. He looked back at the snake and winked, too. **

**The snake jerked its head toward Uncle Vernon and Dudley, then raised its eyes to the ceiling. It gave Harry a look that said quite plainly: **

"_**I get that all the time."**_

"**I know," Harry murmured through the glass, though he wasn't sure the snake could hear him. "It must be really annoying."**

**The snake nodded vigorously.**

"He's a Parselmouth?" Remus asked in shock.

"Well, I'll be damned," Dumbledore said.

"**Where do you come from, anyway?" Harry asked. **

**The snake jabbed its tail at a little sign next to the glass. Harry peered at it. **

**Boa Constrictor, Brazil. **

"**Was it nice there?"**

**The boa constrictor jabbed its tail at the sign again and Harry read on: This specimen was bred in the zoo. "Oh, I see — so you've never been to Brazil?"**

Sirius pondered. "I think Lovegood get's his LSD from down there. Or at least, until he became a total FUCKER!"

**As the snake shook its head, a deafening shout behind Harry made both of them jump. "DUDLEY! MR. DURSLEY! COME AND LOOK AT THIS SNAKE! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT IT'S DOING!"**

**Dudley came waddling toward them as fast as he could.**

**Out of the way, you,' he said, punching Harry in the ribs. Caught by surprise, Harry fell hard on the concrete floor.**

"Lily, your nephew is an idiot sociopath," Remus said.

"Well, it's Vernon's fault," Lily claimed, "Petunia is my sister, and she's been magnificent with Harry this whole time."

**What came next happened so fast no one saw how it happened — one second, Piers and Dudley were leaning right up close to the glass, the next, they had leapt back with howls of horror.**

****Harry sat up and gasped; the glass front of the boa constrictor's tank had vanished.****

Dumbledore chuckled. "Lily's temper on acid."

"I don't really get all the praise for acid," Sirius said, "it's okay, but nowhere the level of LSD."

**The great snake was uncoiling itself rapidly, slithering out onto the floor. People throughout the reptile house screamed and started running for the exits. **

**As the snake slid swiftly past him, Harry could have sworn a low, hissing voice said, "**_**Brazil, here I come… Thanksss, amigo**_**."**

"THAT"S RIGHT! SHOW THE ILLUMINATI WHO THE REAL BOSS IS!" Peter screamed.

**The keeper of the reptile house was in shock. **

"**But the glass," he kept saying, "where did the glass go?"**

**The zoo director himself made Aunt Petunia a cup of strong, sweet tea while he apologized over and over again.**

"That's kind of him," Lily said.

**Piers and Dudley could only gibber. As far as Harry had seen, the snake hadn't done anything except snap playfully at their heels as it passed, but by the time they were all back in Uncle Vernon's car, Dudley was telling them how it had nearly bitten off his leg, while Piers was swearing it had tried to squeeze him to death.**

"Predictable!"

**But worst of all, for Harry at least, was Piers calming down enough to say, 'Harry was talking to it, weren't you, Harry?'**

**Uncle Vernon waited until Piers was safely out of the house before starting on Harry. He was so angry he could hardly speak. He managed to say, 'Go — cupboard — stay — no meals,' before he collapsed into a chair, and Aunt Petunia had to run and get him a large brandy.**

"No meals?" Remus asked in shock, "that's abusive."

"Petunia will feed him," Lily insisted.

**Harry lay in his dark cupboard much later, wishing he had a watch. He didn't know what time it was and he couldn't be sure the Dursleys were asleep yet. Until they were, he couldn't risk sneaking to the kitchen for some food.**

**He'd lived with the Dursleys almost ten years, ten miserable years, as long as he could remember, ever since he'd been a baby and his parents had died in that car crash. He couldn't remember being in the car when his parents had died. Sometimes, when he strained his memory during long hours in his cupboard, he came up with a strange vision: a blinding flash of green light and a burning pain on his forehead.**

**This, he supposed, was the crash, though he couldn't imagine where all the green light came from. He couldn't remember his parents at all.**

"Well, that's half a blessing," Lily said.

**His aunt and uncle never spoke about them, and of course he was forbidden to ask questions. There were no photographs of them in the house.**

"Your sister really needs to get over it," Dumbledore muttered.

"Get over what?" James asked. Dumbledore ignored him.

**When he had been younger, Harry had dreamed and dreamed of some unknown relation coming to take him away, but it had never happened; the Dursleys were his only family. Yet sometimes he thought (or maybe hoped) that strangers in the street seemed to know him. Very strange strangers they were, too.**

"Fucking wizards," Dumbledore observed.

**A tiny man in a violet top hat had bowed to him once while out shopping with Aunt Petunia and Dudley. After asking Harry furiously if he knew the man, Aunt Petunia had rushed them out of the shop without buying anything. A wild-looking old woman dressed all in green had waved merrily at him once on a bus. A bald man in a very long purple coat had actually shaken his hand in the street the other day and then walked away without a word. The weirdest thing about all these people was the way they seemed to vanish the second Harry tried to get a closer look.**

****At school, Harry had no one. Everybody knew that Dudley's gang hated that odd Harry Potter in his baggy old clothes and broken glasses, and nobody liked to disagree with Dudley's gang.****

"That's the end of the second fucking chapter!" Dumbledore announced.


End file.
